like or dislike??? please be brutally honest…?
Posted April 5, 2010 – 12:47 am in: Green Cleaning Tipscheck for grammatical errors
or spelling mistakes
or should i add more details/descriptions
Sssssttt went the blue can of Lysol disinfectant spray making a full 180 around the room. This sound, familiar to those in the neighboring rooms, was heard about 20 times a day. Andrew Phillips, a man of great importance in the writing community, had just finished his third round of cleaning which was ironic sine this apartment was in tip top shape for the next two years. Dust bunnies didn’t dare entering his apartment for they knew they’d be reduced to nothing from the 24/7 sweeping. Cockroaches and other household insects didn’t bother visiting since nothing in the apartment attracted their attention. As you may have already figured out, Andrew Phillips was a clean freak. This mans appearance was very peculiar. He was tall, not too tall, with brown hair sprinkled with hints of gray. His eyes were small but were colored with the brightest of blues. He was the only man I have ever seen, in all my years of traveling, who has stayed in the same apartment for duration of ten years. Scientifically speaking, he has automysophobia, a fear of being dirty, unclean, or smelling bad, and agoraphobia, fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas. All his everyday needs were shipped to his house. Not one envelope has he received which doesn’t contain a check or a bill. His food supplies and cleaning products are delivered daily and pushed through a slot which is under the mail slot; both specially designed and made for him when he moved in.
Now on this particular day, after Mr. Phillips finished his daily cleaning routine, he sat down and started writing. He was now on the third chapter of his sequel. Did I forget to mention the fact that Mr. Phillips was a prestigious writer who wrote entertaining novels for all ages? He goes by the pseudonym A. K. Thompson. His books are read by children and adults, satisfying and interesting to both generations. So just as Mr. Phillips was to start typing, Ding! The doorbell rang indicating that the mail man has come to bring his mails. Mr. Phillips didn’t bother replying or opening the door for every mail man or delivery man in the city, maybe even the state, knew that Mr. Phillips is afraid of germs and wouldn’t open the door. The mail man then simply dropped the mail into a slot and his footsteps drifted away. Mr. Phillips calmly walked up to the door and picked his mail up. He calmly sifted through it recognizing every single one simply by its texture, all of them but one.
This one felt unfamiliar in his fingers. He pulled this envelope out and stared at it. It was an envelope in an elegant color of dull green with shiny golden writings in script. All Mr. Phillips read was the part that said to whom it was addressed, Mr. Thompson. This was enough to shock him. The letter fell from his hand and onto the floor with a thud. “Who could be writing to me?” he questioned aloud. He thought to himself and answered, “Unless… Unless it is one of those envious authors trying to kill me so that they will get all the fame and adoration! Someone is out to get me! I bet this envelope holds a teeming army of germs which will murder me the instant I open it!” The creativity and imagination of authors can sometimes be a handful. He then ran for his life as if the germs might break open the seal of the letter and attack him. He ran as fast as he could but was stopped by a wall. He smacked into it and fell to the ground unconscious with a loud thud.
I zoomed around trying to get a better look of the letter which lay near his feet. The letter said:
To Mr. Phillips
Class of 94
Norcom High 25th Reunion
“Oh well. Time to spy on someone else.” I then thought. This was a very entertaining event for us flies but we have more important things to do like feast on delicious decaying fruits. I flew across the room, behind the fridge, and through the hole to the outside world to hoping I wasn’t too late for this yummy brown apple. Hopefully he’ll wake up in a few hours and notice the letter isn’t really from a jealous author out to kill him but actually and invitation from his old school for a reunion.
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One Comment
“third round of cleaning which was ironic sine this”
“sine” should be since.
“who has stayed in the same apartment for duration of ten years.”
should be changed to include an “a”… like this.
“who has stayed in the same apartment for “A” duration of ten years.” (I just capitalized it to draw your attention).
“Mr. Phillips didn’t bother replying or opening the door for every mail man or delivery man in the city, maybe even the state, knew that Mr. Phillips is afraid of germs and wouldn’t open the door.”
Break it down into two sentences, and add “For they knew…” Like this.
“Mr. Phillips didn’t bother replying or opening the door for every mail man or delivery man in the city, maybe even the state. For they knew that Mr. Phillips is afraid of germs and wouldn’t open the door.
“and through the hole to the outside world to hoping I wasn’t too late for this yummy brown apple.”
Take out the “to” inbetween “world” and “hoping”. Add an apostraphe to look like this.
“and through the hole to the outside world, hoping I wasn’t too late for this yummy brown apple.
You sound like Douglas Adams, and Terry Pratchett are some of your writing influences. I like what I read. Keep it up, and keep me informed of how the story is going. If you get the book published I would like to know how to get one.
CyberNara